Saturday, 19 October 2013

Follow Your Instincts

A few weeks ago I hit a low, I felt down and depressed about life. Even though I’ve been practicing self growth and spirituality for years, I couldn’t pick myself up with my usual practices. I had been studying and I didn’t realize it was getting me down, so I pushed myself to get up every day and continue what I thought I needed to do but things only began getting worse, to the point of breaking down in tears in the middle of class or while walking down the street!

The holidays came… just in time. It felt amazing to have a break but as it got closer, my gut was churning at the idea of going back, I really didn’t want to. The night before the first day back I freaked out, I didn’t know whether to follow my gut or just suck it up and go in, my head was spinning, going back and forth.

 My partner asked me, "Why do you want to go?" My mind went blank, I didn’t even know, it was no longer what I wanted to do, I wasn’t enjoying it at all, it seems obvious but at the time I kept thinking, “Am I just being negative? Is it just a phase? I thought this was meant to be”. I ended up coming out with, “I don’t want to leave then regret leaving later, I know I can pick up the course at a later time but I know my lecturer is leaving after she finishes this course and I really like her as my lecturer!” My head spun all evening and I got to a point of feeling sick at the idea of going in, so I simply decided to take a day off. I asked for a sign, hoping it would be an obvious one.  

The next morning, I woke up and my head immediately started spinning again with all the pros, cons and what my decision would mean for the future… After about an hour, I got a phone call, it was my friend from class. “Uh oh” I thought I was going to get a lecture from my whole class, “Where are you? You can’t leave… what are you doing?!” I picked up the phone hesitantly and my friend said “Do you want to hear the news?... Our lecturer has left”. The one thing holding me there was gone, if that’s not the most obvious sign I could get, I don’t know what is! I made the decision to un-enroll and felt amazingly relieved. Within 2 days I was back to my happy self, which I hadn’t been for about 9 months… All my practices like gratitude, awareness, meditation and mindfulness once again feel amazing and I know that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. 



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